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Photo by Caleb Thal
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"When I was younger," the young lady began, "one time, I was fourteen years old, and I stole from my church."
"I thought this was going to be a dirty story," said Dan, still sipping his coffee.
"Don't interrupt," said Ben.
"There were a bunch of us that used to sneak into the church on weeknights," she said. "Like ten or eleven at night on a Tuesday or a Wednesday. One of the windows on the downstairs building would open from outside, and one of us would climb in and open the door. We'd basically just run around in the church, you know the main part, what do you call it--"
"The transept," said Dan.
"It's not the transept," said Ben, "it's the sanctuary."
"Right, that," said Alfred. "Anyway we'd run around, play hide and seek, feel like we were bad news. Anyway it used to be fun, then we'd go get a soda from the grocery store or something."
"A soda," said Ben, with a certain look.
"Or something," said Alfred. "Most of the older kids left after they graduated. Anyway, the group shrank, and we didn't feel like letting any of the younger kids in on the secret, so we sort of stopped.
"Except for the one last night," she said.
"Ooohh," said Dan.
"Aaaaah," said Ben.
"I was the second-youngest person in the group," said Alfred.
"Quick question," said Ben.
"What?" asked Alfred.
"Did you like going to the church at night?" said Ben.
Alfred hesitated.
"I think so," she said. "I know I liked spending time with my friends. I don't think it had to be at the church, but I didn't mind going. I didn't think we were doing anything that bad."
"Wasn't it creepy?" said Dan. "I remember when I was a kid--"
"Can she tell this story?" asked Ben.
"You interrupted first," said Dan. Then he glanced at their companion. "Sorry, Alfred."
"What were you saying?" Alfred asked courteously.
"When I was a kid," said Dan, "I remember going back into the church after the service, when it was dark and quiet... it freaked me out."
"I think that's why they wanted to go there," said Alfred. "It creeped me out a little, sure. I remember the way the streetlights looked coming in through the pictures in the windows, they were orange and sort of soft, indirect."
"Diffuse," suggested Ben.
"Sure," said Alfred, "whatever. It felt like we were closed in there, like there was a storm outside, but that we didn't need to be. I'm not sure it makes sense. I wasn't worried that we'd be caught, or that anything bad would happen. The worst was just, sort of, that we didn't need to use it. Like we were parking in the handicapped space, you know?"
"I think so," said Dan.
"So what happened on the last night," said Ben.
"It was just me and two other guys," said Alfred. "I'm pretty sure what one of them had in mind inviting me, but that wasn't going to happen. I should probably have told him, but he was actually a really nice guy and I didn't want to hurt his feelings."
"Like poor Dan here," said Ben.
"What?" said Dan with a violent start.
"Not really," said Alfred. "The other guy--"
"As if," Dan said, making scoffing noises and changing colors.
"The other guy," said Alfred, as if Dan hadn't spoken, "I don't want to use names, so I'll call him Lem, he was older, and the one who usually got us in. We all pretty much knew how to do it, but this Lem guy was the one who always actually did it. They were both older than me, but Lem was already graduated, he'd sort of hung onto the group until it was gone.
"So we snuck in," said Alfred. "I think it was a Thursday night, I'm not sure. It was towards the end of summer, when nothing was really happening in town. That was the last year before I got a job. Usually we'd just sit and talk if there weren't a lot of us, we wouldn't run around for long.
"But that night the first guy I mentioned, I'll call him Sam, Sam wanted to play hide and seek, like we used to. I don't think he meant anything by it, anyway we agreed, I think we all knew it was sort of the last hurrah, if you know what I mean.
"So we scattered, which was sort of awkward because it was just Lem and me, and Sam started counting like usual, you know, standing in the middle of the row between the benches. I remember looking back at him, this guy was like sixteen or seventeen, plaid shirt and jeans, hands over his eyes and counting out loud like a little kid. Lem was already out of sight, somewhere over by the organ. I went up to the altar."
"Oh no," said Ben.
"Hang on," said Alfred, "you don't even know what I did yet."
"I have a bad habit," said Ben, "of assuming the worst."
"Oh," said Alfred.
"What?" said Dan, who had forgotten his embarrassment.
"You didn't," said Ben.
"I don't know what you think I did," said Alfred, but she sounded uncertain.
"Continue," said Ben.
"There was a little closet in the wall by the altar," said Alfred.
"It's called an aumbry," said Ben.
"How do you know that?" said Dan.
"I read a lot," said Ben.
"What's an aumbry for?" said Dan.
"It's for the host," said Ben.
"Right," said Alfred. "Anyway, Sam was still counting, so I opened the door, there was a metal container inside."
She paused.
"And?" said Ben.
"I thought you were going to say what the container's called," said Alfred.
"Oh," said Ben, changing color. "Sorry."
"Do you know what it's called?" Alfred asked.
"The tabernacle, I think?" said Ben. "No, it's called a pyx."
"A pyx?" said Alfred. "You're making that up."
"No," said Ben, "it's the pyx, it's this little box they put the eucharist in when it has to go to someone sick. Or if there's extra, and they need to leave some around for later."
"Well, I guess they'd had some extra," said Alfred.
"You took communion wafers?" said Dan.
"I took the whole box," said Alfred.
"No," said Dan.
"Slipped the whole thing in the pocket of my hoodie and went and hid," said Alfred.
Ben and Dan looked at her in silence for a moment.
"It was a long time ago," said Alfred, with a little shrug.
"Desecration of the host," said Ben, "was a mortal sin. It could net you excommunication latae sententiae
"What's that mean?" asked Alfred, looking a little timid.
"That you're kicked out of the church," said Ben.
"I know what excommunication means," said Alfred, "I'm an art student. What's the rest mean?"
"That there's no trial necessary," said Ben. "If you do it, no matter who finds out, you're guilty. In the eyes of God, as it were."
"Just for taking the box?" said Alfred, sounding outraged.
Ben shrugged with a speculative expression.
"I'm not sure," he said. "Maybe, maybe not. Depends on what you did with it."
"Jesus Christ," said Alfred. She didn't sound alarmed; she spoke as if she were reacting to a building burning down a hundred years ago.
"I didn't know you were so spiritual," said Dan.
"So what happened next?" asked Ben.
"The transept," said Dan.
"It's not the transept," said Ben, "it's the sanctuary."
"Right, that," said Alfred. "Anyway we'd run around, play hide and seek, feel like we were bad news. Anyway it used to be fun, then we'd go get a soda from the grocery store or something."
"A soda," said Ben, with a certain look.
"Or something," said Alfred. "Most of the older kids left after they graduated. Anyway, the group shrank, and we didn't feel like letting any of the younger kids in on the secret, so we sort of stopped.
"Except for the one last night," she said.
"Ooohh," said Dan.
"Aaaaah," said Ben.
"I was the second-youngest person in the group," said Alfred.
"Quick question," said Ben.
"What?" asked Alfred.
"Did you like going to the church at night?" said Ben.
Alfred hesitated.
"I think so," she said. "I know I liked spending time with my friends. I don't think it had to be at the church, but I didn't mind going. I didn't think we were doing anything that bad."
"Wasn't it creepy?" said Dan. "I remember when I was a kid--"
"Can she tell this story?" asked Ben.
"You interrupted first," said Dan. Then he glanced at their companion. "Sorry, Alfred."
"What were you saying?" Alfred asked courteously.
"When I was a kid," said Dan, "I remember going back into the church after the service, when it was dark and quiet... it freaked me out."
"I think that's why they wanted to go there," said Alfred. "It creeped me out a little, sure. I remember the way the streetlights looked coming in through the pictures in the windows, they were orange and sort of soft, indirect."
"Diffuse," suggested Ben.
"Sure," said Alfred, "whatever. It felt like we were closed in there, like there was a storm outside, but that we didn't need to be. I'm not sure it makes sense. I wasn't worried that we'd be caught, or that anything bad would happen. The worst was just, sort of, that we didn't need to use it. Like we were parking in the handicapped space, you know?"
"I think so," said Dan.
"So what happened on the last night," said Ben.
"It was just me and two other guys," said Alfred. "I'm pretty sure what one of them had in mind inviting me, but that wasn't going to happen. I should probably have told him, but he was actually a really nice guy and I didn't want to hurt his feelings."
"Like poor Dan here," said Ben.
"What?" said Dan with a violent start.
"Not really," said Alfred. "The other guy--"
"As if," Dan said, making scoffing noises and changing colors.
"The other guy," said Alfred, as if Dan hadn't spoken, "I don't want to use names, so I'll call him Lem, he was older, and the one who usually got us in. We all pretty much knew how to do it, but this Lem guy was the one who always actually did it. They were both older than me, but Lem was already graduated, he'd sort of hung onto the group until it was gone.
"So we snuck in," said Alfred. "I think it was a Thursday night, I'm not sure. It was towards the end of summer, when nothing was really happening in town. That was the last year before I got a job. Usually we'd just sit and talk if there weren't a lot of us, we wouldn't run around for long.
"But that night the first guy I mentioned, I'll call him Sam, Sam wanted to play hide and seek, like we used to. I don't think he meant anything by it, anyway we agreed, I think we all knew it was sort of the last hurrah, if you know what I mean.
"So we scattered, which was sort of awkward because it was just Lem and me, and Sam started counting like usual, you know, standing in the middle of the row between the benches. I remember looking back at him, this guy was like sixteen or seventeen, plaid shirt and jeans, hands over his eyes and counting out loud like a little kid. Lem was already out of sight, somewhere over by the organ. I went up to the altar."
"Oh no," said Ben.
"Hang on," said Alfred, "you don't even know what I did yet."
"I have a bad habit," said Ben, "of assuming the worst."
"Oh," said Alfred.
"What?" said Dan, who had forgotten his embarrassment.
"You didn't," said Ben.
"I don't know what you think I did," said Alfred, but she sounded uncertain.
"Continue," said Ben.
"There was a little closet in the wall by the altar," said Alfred.
"It's called an aumbry," said Ben.
"How do you know that?" said Dan.
"I read a lot," said Ben.
"What's an aumbry for?" said Dan.
"It's for the host," said Ben.
"Right," said Alfred. "Anyway, Sam was still counting, so I opened the door, there was a metal container inside."
She paused.
"And?" said Ben.
"I thought you were going to say what the container's called," said Alfred.
"Oh," said Ben, changing color. "Sorry."
"Do you know what it's called?" Alfred asked.
"The tabernacle, I think?" said Ben. "No, it's called a pyx."
"A pyx?" said Alfred. "You're making that up."
"No," said Ben, "it's the pyx, it's this little box they put the eucharist in when it has to go to someone sick. Or if there's extra, and they need to leave some around for later."
"Well, I guess they'd had some extra," said Alfred.
"You took communion wafers?" said Dan.
"I took the whole box," said Alfred.
"No," said Dan.
"Slipped the whole thing in the pocket of my hoodie and went and hid," said Alfred.
Ben and Dan looked at her in silence for a moment.
"It was a long time ago," said Alfred, with a little shrug.
"Desecration of the host," said Ben, "was a mortal sin. It could net you excommunication latae sententiae
"What's that mean?" asked Alfred, looking a little timid.
"That you're kicked out of the church," said Ben.
"I know what excommunication means," said Alfred, "I'm an art student. What's the rest mean?"
"That there's no trial necessary," said Ben. "If you do it, no matter who finds out, you're guilty. In the eyes of God, as it were."
"Just for taking the box?" said Alfred, sounding outraged.
Ben shrugged with a speculative expression.
"I'm not sure," he said. "Maybe, maybe not. Depends on what you did with it."
"Jesus Christ," said Alfred. She didn't sound alarmed; she spoke as if she were reacting to a building burning down a hundred years ago.
"I didn't know you were so spiritual," said Dan.
"So what happened next?" asked Ben.
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