Abstention

“I feel like I’m dissolving,” Dan said.  His forehead was flat on the table, and it was difficult to make out his words.

After a moment he lifted his head and looked at his friend Ben, sitting across from him in the booth.  Ben was reading a small paperback.

“I said I feel like I’m dissolving,” said Dan.

Ben glanced up at Dan, nodded once, and returned to reading.

“You ever feel like that?” said Dan.

“Like I’m dissolving?” said Ben.

“Yeah,” said Dan.

“I’m not sure what you really mean,” said Ben, “but no.”

“You’ve never felt like you’re not getting anywhere?” said Dan.  “Like all your energy just goes into nothing?”

Ben considered without lowering his paperback.  “Sure,” he said after a moment.  “Is that what dissolving means to you?”

“Partly,” said Dan.  “The other part is just that everything seems to be impossible.”

Ben shrugged and went back to reading.

“Thanks for listening,” said 

“Sure thing,” said Ben.

Dan sat and thought.  The bar was empty, it was early afternoon.  Dan stared at the half sandwich and fries going cold in their plastic basket.  Ben appeared to be drinking a cola.  

“I’ve got this piece I’m supposed to be writing,” said Dan, shifting in his seat and looking towards the door.  “It’s due today.  I mean earlier today it was due.  But I’m hoping that I can turn it in by the end of the day and it won’t be too late not to be turned away.”

Ben looked up, nodded, and kept reading.

“And I can’t finish it,” said Dan.  “I could barely even start it.  I’ve got no energy for it.  And it’s writing.  I love writing, it’s what I’m supposed to be good at.”

Ben kept reading.

“I’ve just got no interest in doing it,” said Dan.  “Worse, I’ve apparently got active interest in avoiding it.  Every time I’ve set aside time to get it done this past week, I wind up working on something else, usually without even realizing I’ve avoided it until time’s up.”  He looked moodily around the room again and sighed.  “It’s like I’ve got a compulsion against getting it done, no matter what.”

Ben nodded again without looking up.

“Has this ever happened to you?” Dan asked.

“I’ve never turned in something after it was due if I could help it,” said Ben.  “But as for the rest, I’d say something like that, yeah.”

“What did you do?” asked Dan.

“I wrote it anyway,” said Ben.

“I knew you’d say that,” said Dan dismissively, sinking into his seat.

“And what does that mean, never turned in something late if you could help it?” Dan asked testily.  “Who says I can help it?  I’m trying to tell you that I can’t help it, for some reason I just can’t get it done.”

“I didn’t mean to say that you can help it,” said Dan.  “I just meant I’ve never turned in something late unless there had been an emergency, or a mistake of some kind, something.”

“So you haven’t really had my problem before,” said Dan.

“How do you feel when you try to do the work?” said Ben.  “You sit down, get the work out, get ready to work on it, and what.”

“I don’t know,” Dan said.  He shifted in his seat, scratched the back of his hand, rubbed his eyes.  “I get restless.  I keep thinking of other things, I get distracted.”

“It sounds like you’re bored,” said Ben.

“I am bored,” said Dan.  “I feel like I’m bored to death.  I’m sick to death of this stupid piece, I can’t make it happen.  I just don’t have it in me.”

“I’ve been bored with work before,” said Ben.  “But it’s never kept me from getting something done.”

“I just wish I knew why I was so bored,” said Dan.  “This is supposed to be what I love to do.”

“Everyone gets bored when they do the same thing all the time,” said Ben.  “You run out of steam, it’s not your fault.  You just have to either find a way to make it interesting for you again, or keep pushing until you get through it somehow.”

“I’ve been pushing,” said Dan.  “It’s not working.”

“Let’s think about this reasonably,” said Ben, setting down his book and folding his hands.  “What’s the opposite of boredom?”

Dan looked blank.  “How do you mean, opposite?”

“Let’s say boredom is an emotion,” said Ben.  “What emotion is as different from boredom as you can get?”

Dan thought about this.  “Excitement I guess, or feeling interested in something.”

“Energized,” said Ben.

“Sure,” said Dan.

“And when you’re bored, you feel tired?” said Ben.

“Exhausted,” said Dan.

“Like you’re dissolving,” said Ben.

Dan pointed a finger at Ben as if to say ‘exactly.’

“So, you need rest,” said Ben.

“And how,” said Dan.  “I feel like I’ve been awake for weeks.”

“I didn’t mean sleep,” said Ben.

“I feel like I need it,” said Dan.

“When was the last time you slept?” said Ben.

“I went to bed early last night,” said Dan.

“I thought you said you just woke up before you came in,” said Ben.

Dan nodded morosely, ate a french fry.  A moment later, his forehead was back on the table.

“You need to finish this project,” said Ben.  “And you need to get out of the one coming next.”

“God, I would love that,” said Dan.  “How?”

“I can take it, if it’s still that Shilling thing,” said Ben.

“It is,” said Dan.  “But that’s my work.”

“You want to do it?” said Ben.

Dan made a sound into the table.  It sounded like he was going to start crying.

“So let me take it,” said Ben.  “You can owe me, I’m going to be traveling a few days next month.”

Dan sat up.  “What are you traveling for?”

Ben shrugged.  “Family.”

Dan said nothing further.

“One other thing,” said Ben, picking his book back up.  “I said you need rest, but I didn’t mean sleep.”

“Can whatever you’re going to say be done in addition to sleep?” said Dan, looking up with a bleary expression.

“You need to do some work on something that interests you,” said Ben.  “I recommend that it be more engaging than a crossword puzzle or mowing the lawn--”

“It’s February,” said Dan.

“--Shoveling the drive,” said Ben.  “Something that you actually have to use your brain to do.  And it can’t be entertainment.  I’ll be you watched more than five hours of TV over the weekend.”

“I watched more than that just after getting home on Friday night,” said Dan.  “I say I’ll unwind but it doesn’t help.”

“But pick something that you like doing,” said Ben, “something completely unlike what you’ve been struggling with.  No writing.”

“How do I know what to do?” asked Dan.

“You won’t feel like you’re dissolving anymore,” said Ben.

“Fair enough,” said Dan.

“First you’ve got to write that piece though,” said Ben.  “You’re not going to feel any better until you get it done.”

“How do I do that?” asked Dan.

“Think about how good it will feel to have it done,” said Ben.  “See if you can find a way to gripe about your problems while you’re doing it, that should help.”

“Thanks,” said Dan.